Gottman Couples Therapy
In relationships, love, communication, and connection are essential, but what truly sustains them over time?
If you’re in a relationship, you’ve probably faced some ups and downs. Conflicts arise, communication gets tangled, and, at times, it can feel like you’re not as connected as you once were.
We sometimes refer to these as “seasons in a relationship.” What if you could improve your connection by learning to engage with each other better, without changing who you are?
That is where the Gottman Couples Therapy Model comes in.
What is the Gottman Couples Therapy Model?
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman Method is a scientifically backed approach to improving relationships. After decades of research, John Gottman identified patterns that determine whether a couple’s relationship will thrive or struggle.
His findings have transformed couples therapy, offering actionable insights for partners who want to build a healthier, more resilient relationship.
This model isn’t about quick fixes or sweeping personality changes. Instead, it is about deepening emotional connection and creating an environment where both partners feel heard, understood, and supported. It helps couples learn the skills they need to deepen their relationships on a daily basis.
How It Works - The Sound Relationship House
The Gottman’s use the metaphor of a Sound Relationship House based on the research they did over 30 years with couples.
In this metaphor, you think of your relationship as a house. Just like any strong building, it needs a solid foundation. The Gottmans use it to explain the layers of a strong relationship.
There are several levels, each representing a key aspect of your relationship that needs attention to ensure a lasting connection:
1. Build Love Maps
Imagine your partner’s life as a map, full of roads, turns, and landmarks. Building a “love map” means knowing the small and big things about your partner—what their daily life is like, their dreams, hopes, and fears.
When you have a good love map, you understand your partner deeply, which makes communication more meaningful.
2. Share Fondness and Admiration
Life can get busy, and it is easy to take your partner for granted. But regular expressions of appreciation and admiration can create a bond that helps you navigate difficult times.
Whether it is verbal compliments or small acts of kindness, showing affection is key to maintaining emotional closeness.
3. Turn Toward Each Other, Not Away
Every day, we make small emotional bids—seeking attention, affection, or support. Turning toward your partner’s bids, even in the smallest ways (like offering a hug or saying “How was your day?”) strengthens connection.
Disregarding these bids gradually creates a divide over time.
4. The Positive Perspective
No relationship is perfect, and conflicts are bound to happen. Seeing your partner positively and assuming their good intentions can help reduce negative reactions during disagreements.
This positive perspective builds trust and reduces the likelihood of bitterness.
5. Manage Conflict in Healthy Ways
Disagreements are normal, but how you handle them can make or break a relationship. The Gottman Method focuses on managing conflict constructively.
Instead of attacking each other, learn how to approach disagreements with respect, active listening, and problem-solving skills. This isn’t about “winning” an argument, but understanding each other’s point of view.
6. Make Life Dreams Come True
You may be in a relationship, but each of you still has individual dreams and aspirations. Understanding and supporting each other’s goals is crucial. Supporting each other’s dreams strengthens bonds and makes you feel valued and understood.
7. Create Shared Meaning
Building rituals, traditions, and shared values creates a sense of meaning in the relationship. Sharing goals and beliefs enhances your connection, whether during holidays, date nights, or parenting.
The Four Horsemen: Warning Signs to Watch For
The Gottman Method identifies the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are negative communication patterns indicating serious relationship issues.
Although we all do trip up and engage in four horsemen behaviours on occasion, if we continue to do these or if this is the only way we know how to communicate, then there will be issues.
These four behaviours—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are toxic and can erode the foundation of even the strongest relationship if left unchecked.
1. Criticism
Rather than addressing a specific issue, criticism attacks your partner’s character. Instead, focus on the behaviour, not the person. For example, instead of saying “You’re so lazy,” try “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is when you treat your partner with disrespect, sarcasm, or mockery. It is a form of emotional abuse and can be highly damaging. Combat contempt by practicing gratitude and showing respect, even in times of disagreement.
3. Defensiveness
We all get defensive at times, but it can escalate conflict. Instead of justifying your actions or blaming others, listen to your partner’s feelings and take responsibility when needed.
4. Stonewalling
This is when one partner shuts down or withdraws emotionally from the conversation. It is often a defense mechanism, but it creates distance. Instead of shutting down, try to take a break, calm down, and return to the conversation with a clearer mind.
Through couples therapy we learn to use antidotes instead of the four horsemen in order to learn to communicate our feelings, perspectives, and needs in a more positive and constructive way.
When To Seek Help?
It takes on average six years for couples to go to couples therapy. But you need not wait that long.
Couples therapy can be what you need to give yourself and your partner the support to navigate rough patches together.
It’s not just for when things are falling apart; sometimes it’s about giving your relationship the tools to thrive, even when things feel fine.
Here is when you might want to consider Gottman Couples Therapy:
1. You are not talking anymore:
When simple conversations turn into misunderstandings, or you find yourselves avoiding talking about feelings.
2. You argue too much:
It is normal to have disagreements, but when it feels like you are stuck in a cycle of constant arguing over the same things, therapy can help break that cycle and get to the heart of the issue.
4. Trust has been shaken:
Whether it’s infidelity or just feeling like your partner isn’t being honest, when trust is broken.
5. Intimacy feels off:
If the emotional or physical closeness you once shared has changed and it’s leaving you feeling distant or unfulfilled.
6. Life changes:
Major life events, like moving in together, having a baby, or dealing with work changes, can create stress.
7. You feel stuck:
Sometimes, relationships hit a place where you feel like you are going in circles—unable to move forward or backward.
8. Parenting disagreements:
Raising children can challenge any relationship.
If you and your partner have differing views on parenting, therapy can help you understand each other and collaborate effectively.
9. Something feels off, but you are not sure what:
Sometimes it’s not one big thing, but just a nagging sense that something is wrong.
10. You want to make a good relationship even better:
Therapy is not just for when things go wrong. It’s also a great tool for couples who want to strengthen their relationship, communicate better, and deepen their connection.
Couples therapy provides a safe space for partners to discuss their issues and learn to love each other better.
If you are feeling uncertain about where you are in your relationship, just reaching out to a therapist can be a really helpful first step to understanding what is next.
How Can Us Help You?
Experienced Therapists
Our processes and quality assurance is led by Dr.Emma Waddington, a UK-trained senior clinician psychologist and Founder of Us Therapy, with over 20+ years of experience in helping individuals in Singapore.
Holistic & Personalised Approach
Our clinicians draw from various therapeutic models to create a holistic approach. At Us, we have seen hundreds of clients and we recognise that each individual is unique. Our approach is tailored to you but always includes customised treatment plans and integrative techniques.
Thorough Assessment
At Us, we pride ourselves on our comprehensive assessment processes. We will undergo a thorough assessment process with you in your first sessions before we come up with a plan for your therapy.
Our Therapists
The Magic Ratio: Positive vs. Negative Interactions
John Gottman’s research uncovered that successful couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict.
This means for every negative interaction (like an argument), there should be at least five positive interactions (compliments, laughter, kindness) to keep the relationship healthy. It’s not about avoiding conflict, but balancing it with a lot of love, appreciation, and connection.
Conflict Management: Fighting Fair
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you handle it is what matters. Here are a few key tips from the Gottman method to manage conflict better:
Use Soft Startups: Start a difficult conversation with kindness, rather than launching into a critique. A soft approach helps keep the conversation calm and productive.
Active Listening: When your partner speaks, listen to understand—not to respond. Show empathy, and let them know you are hearing them, even if you do not agree with everything they say.
Repair Attempts: Do not be afraid to make small gestures to de-escalate tension—an apology, a touch, or a lighthearted comment can ease a difficult moment.
Enhancing Intimacy: Keeping the Spark Alive
Lastly, the Gottman method emphasises the importance of both emotional and physical intimacy. Couples who maintain a strong emotional connection are more likely to have a fulfilling physical relationship as well.
It is not just about romantic gestures, but also about staying curious and attentive to your partner’s needs and desires.
What To Expect
When you book in for couple therapy with Us, you can expect to have three sessions.
The first is a couples session, followed by two individual sessions, and finally a feedback session where you both come back in together.
Intake Session (As A Couple)
In the intake session for couples therapy, our therapist will guide you both through an initial conversation to understand your relationship and the issues you are facing. Here is what you can expect:
1. Introduction & Overview:
The therapist explains the therapy process, confidentiality, and their role in supporting both partners.
2. Background:
Share your relationship history, including what’s working, what’s not, and why you decided to seek therapy.
3. Individual Perspectives:
Each of you will talk about your personal feelings and any individual challenges that might be affecting the relationship.
4. Observing Dynamics:
The therapist will observe how you interact, noticing communication patterns or areas of tension.
5. Setting Goals:
You will discuss what you hope to achieve in therapy, like improving communication or addressing specific issues.
6. Relationship History:
The therapist will ask about your relationship’s past, key moments, and any recurring issues.
7. Next Steps:
The therapist will outline what future sessions may look like, setting expectations for the therapy process.
Overall, the intake session is about gathering information, understanding both partners’ perspectives, and setting the foundation for future work. It is a safe space to express concerns and plan how to move forward together.
During this time, your therapist will also talk you through the next steps and the model they will be using for therapy. You can also expect to receive questionnaires after this initial session.
Individual Sessions
Individual sessions in couples therapy allow each partner to share their thoughts and feelings about the relationship without the other partner present.
This space encourages open exploration of personal experiences and concerns, helping us understand relationship dynamics better.
The Process of Individual Sessions:
1. Express Freely: Each partner can share their thoughts and feelings about the relationship in a safe and private space. This includes concerns, frustrations, desires, and unmet needs that might be difficult to voice in joint sessions.
2. Exploring Personal Perspectives: Our therapist will help you explore personal experiences and perceptions of the relationship, understanding how you view certain situations or issues that may not be fully understood by your partner.
3. Understanding Emotional Impact: The therapist helps the individual recognise how different aspects of their relationship impact their emotions, including feelings of dissatisfaction, resentment, hurt, and love. This gives insight into personal emotional responses to the relationship.
4. Clarify Your Personal Needs: A therapist can help individuals communicate their needs and expectations in a relationship, determine if those needs are being met, and enhance communication with their partner.
Goals of Individual Sessions:
1. Uncovering Individual Feelings:
The primary goal is to allow each person to express their unfiltered feelings about the relationship. This provides clarity on personal concerns, which can then be addressed in joint sessions with the partner.
2. Building Self-Awareness:
Understanding their own emotions and thoughts helps partners see how their actions and perceptions impact the relationship
3. Identifying Relationship Dynamics:
The therapist helps individuals identify relationship patterns, like communication problems, recurring conflicts, or unmet needs, that may cause distress or dissatisfaction.
4. Clarifying Personal Needs and Expectations:
Individual sessions allow partners to explore their personal needs from the relationship, which can be difficult to discuss openly in front of each other.
5. Empowerment in Communication:
Understanding their own thoughts and emotions helps partners communicate more openly and honestly during therapy, fostering healthier communication in their relationship.
Overall, individual sessions in couples therapy are a way to ensure that both partners’ perspectives are fully understood and addressed. They offer an opportunity for personal reflection and help build the foundation for more effective communication and problem-solving in the relationship.
Feedback session
In couples therapy, a feedback session occurs after the initial sessions, where the therapist shares insights based on the information collected.
This session helps both partners better understand the dynamics of their relationship and outlines the next steps in therapy. Here’s what you can generally expect during a feedback session:
1. Reviewing Key Insights
The therapist will summarise the main observations from the first two sessions. This includes:
- Key relationship patterns that have emerged (e.g., communication issues, recurring conflicts, emotional distance).
- Insights about each partner’s thoughts and feelings as shared in individual sessions.
- Any significant dynamics or challenges that were uncovered in the initial discussions.
2. Sharing Therapist Observations
The therapist will share their professional perspective on what they’ve observed about the relationship. This might include:
- How each partner communicates and responds to conflict.
- Emotional patterns, such as avoidance or defensiveness, and their impact on the relationship.
- Unspoken needs or issues that each partner may have.
3. Clarifying and Understanding Relationship Dynamics
The therapist may help both partners gain a clearer understanding of how their behaviours and emotional reactions are affecting each other. This includes highlighting any recurring patterns, like:
- Negative cycles (e.g., one partner shuts down, the other becomes frustrated).
- Misunderstandings or unmet needs that keep coming up in discussions.
4. Setting Clear Goals for Therapy
The therapist will work with both partners to establish concrete goals for the therapy moving forward. This might involve:
- Identifying specific areas to focus on, like improving communication or rebuilding trust.
- Establishing what success looks like for both partners—whether that’s reducing conflict, improving intimacy, or understanding each other’s needs better.
5. Discussing the Next Steps
The therapist will outline the next steps in the therapy process. This could include:
- Assigning homework, like communication exercises or activities to better understand each other’s perspectives.
- Setting a focus for the upcoming sessions, whether that’s working through a specific issue or learning new strategies for conflict resolution.
- Agreeing on how often to meet and any adjustments needed in the therapy process based on what’s been discussed.
6. Creating a Safe Space for Questions
The feedback session is also an opportunity for both partners to ask questions or voice any concerns about the therapy process. The therapist will encourage an open dialogue about how the sessions are going, ensuring that both partners feel comfortable with the direction of therapy.
Key Goals of a Feedback Session:
- Clarity: To ensure both partners understand the key issues at play in their relationship.
- Actionable Steps: To define clear, achievable goals and strategies for moving forward.
- Validation: To affirm each partner’s feelings and experiences, helping both feel heard and understood.
- Alignment: To ensure both partners are on the same page about the therapy process and where it’s headed.
Ultimately, a feedback session is about bringing clarity, building understanding, and setting a roadmap for the work ahead. It helps ensure that both partners feel heard and that they have a shared vision of what they’re working toward in therapy.
Therapy Approaches
The best type of therapy for men often depends on individual needs and preferences. Common approaches include:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Focuses on understanding and changing unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors. Together with your therapist you will uncover your unhelpful thinking styles and find more workable and effective ways of being that are aligned with your values and the life you want to live.
Psychodynamic Therapy
Delves into past experiences and unconscious processes to understand present challenges. Findings the links between early experiences and current challenges can help to make sense of unhelpful behavioural patterns.
Fees
Individual Counselling Rates
Clinician type
Fees and Duration
Clinic Founder
$290
Principal Psychologist
$290
Senior Clinical Psychologist
$262
Educational Psychologist
$262
Clinical Psychologist
$236
Counsellor
$170
Expressive Arts Therapist
$170
Associate Psychologist
$130
Associate Counsellor
$120
Phone calls / Emails
Clinicians rate pro-rata (10 Mins)
Testimonials
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 7 principles of the Gottman method?
Gottman’s 7 principles are:
1) Sharing love maps.
2) Nurturing fondness and admiration.
3) Turning toward each other, instead of away.
4) Letting your partner influence you.
5) Solving your solvable problems.
6) Overcoming gridlock.
7) Creating shared meaning together.
What are the four stages of Gottman?
The First Horseman: Criticism
The Second Horseman: Contempt
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
How long does the Gottman method take to work?
The Gottman Method is an evidence-based approach to couples therapy that focuses on improving communication, resolving conflicts, and deepening intimacy. The time it takes for the Gottman Method to show results varies by couple and can be influenced by several factors.
General Timeline:
- Short-term (1-3 months): Couples might see improvements in communication, lessening of conflict, and the development of healthier patterns.
- Medium-term (3-6 months): More complex issues, like emotional disconnection or trust problems, can begin to heal, and couples may notice a deeper emotional connection.
- Long-term (6-12 months or more): For couples with more entrenched issues or those dealing with trauma, longer-term therapy might be needed to achieve lasting change, particularly for rebuilding trust and restoring intimacy.
Does the Gottman method actually work?
The Gottman Method has a strong evidence base, supported by decades of research, clinical trials, and global adoption by therapists. It is widely recognized as one of the most effective approaches for improving relationship satisfaction and managing conflict
Numerous studies demonstrate the method’s effectiveness.
- A study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (2010) showed improvements in communication and satisfaction (Gottman et al., 2010).
- Research in the Journal of Family Psychology (2017) found significant improvements in conflict management and relationship satisfaction (Gottman & Carrère, 2017).
- A meta-analysis (2016) found the Gottman Method to be one of the most effective therapies for couples (Baucom et al., 2016).
- Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon & Schuster.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
- Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2017). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Research-Based Approach to Strengthening Relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(3), 434-440.
—
Building and maintaining a strong relationship takes effort from both partners. The Gottman Method offers a structured, research-based approach to navigating the challenges that come with love, conflict, and intimacy.
Practicing active listening, engaging with one another, and fostering mutual respect can strengthen your relationship for a lifetime.
If you feel disconnected or overwhelmed in your relationship, remember you don’t have to handle it alone. Using tools like the Gottman Couples Therapy Model, you and your partner can strengthen your relationship and overcome challenges together.
