When there is an event of infidelity, an affair, the injury to the relationship is the damage to trust. When the affair is found out, even if there has been suspicion for some time, the injured’s fight or flight response will be triggered and they will go into shock. Their physiology will change and they will be on high alert. They will become offensive and/or defensive, leading to arguments. The injurer needs to address the feelings of the injured, accepting, and validating them.
Usually, due to the effects of the fight or flight response, most injured people need to know everything about the situation. This involves the injurer being willing to be questioned, repeatedly. This takes place in a time scheduled situation. This is not about blame or punishment. This is about collecting information. Once the injured believes they know everything, there won’t be any more surprises, then they can move to the next step.
In this step, the injurer needs to accept that the relationship will be out of balance for a period. They need to be transparent. How this looks will depend on the situation; checking phones; checking email; where are you going, who with, how, why. In this step the injurer needs to give the injured evidence that they can be trusted. For example, every time the
injured asks to see the phone; they predict there will not be anything; and when there is not; that is one step to believing that they can trust the injured.
How can I trust my partner again after I’ve found them cheating?
Each of you needs to be committed to the relationship and to the healing of it. Just crossing our fingers and hoping it will pass, probably won’t work. The wound will fester and spread through the relationship. I use a conscious rational process to foster the healing of the injury.
How do I stop my checking behaviours of where they are, who they are with, what’s on their phone?
Once the injured has collected enough evidence that they can trust the injurer, then they must stop them, or it becomes on-going punishment; no-one can live being the punisher and no-one can live being the punished.
How long does it take to build up trust again?
Trust will not be rebuilt overnight. It is a process that will take as long as it takes. Variables that will support the healing are the injurer’s desire / ability to provide evidence of their trustworthiness, and the injured’s desire / ability to forgive the injurer.
Is it even worth building up trust if it has already been broken?
Trust can be rebuilt. Trust is a core value of any well-functioning relationship. If one does not see value in rebuilding the trust, and thus not willing to invest in rebuilding the trust, there is little hope of having a well-functioning relationship.
How do we share or not share this challenge we are facing with our children, friends and family?
As well as possible, this situation needs to be private to allow the process of healing to take place. Others are not involved in this process, so cannot enjoy the benefits of it. If the parents of the injured see their child’s heart broken, the injurer is likely to continue to be the one who broke their child’s heart in their heads. This affects the relationship between them and the partner of their child.
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Bottom line, children and adolescents should not be involved in the relationship of their parents.
Once the process is underway, and the injured person is confident in the process, then the couple may agree to share the situation in a way that works for both of them.
The process briefly described above is facilitated using the structure of Imago Relationship Therapy, particularly the ‘dialogue’ that creates safety and takes us away from the fight or flight response. Whenever there is an affair, there are usually unmet needs in the relationship that have been met outside the relationship. As the trust is rebuilt, the couple can work together to find ways to have these needs met in the relationship. Some people have said that the affair is the best thing that has happened to their relationship, because they had to go into the relationship and make it better. The affair is a symptom of the problems in the relationship. Strengthen the relationship, and there is no need for the relationship.
A relationship is a process and it is work. The relationship needs to be prioritised over all other aspects, because without the relationship other aspects are empty.
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Richard Logan, MSocSc, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist
Richard Logan is a Senior Counsellor at Us Therapy with over two decades of clinical experience across adolescents, adults, couples, and families. His integrative approach—grounded in CBT, Imago Therapy, and trauma-informed care—focuses on helping clients build insight, resilience, and more fulfilling relationships.