Navigating Identity, Transitions, and the Pressure to “Have It All Together”
“Everyone else seems to have it together, relationships, career, confidence… while I’m stuck figuring out who I am.” – Clueless Teen
If you’re a young person, life on the cusp of transitions can be overwhelming. Navigating friendships and romantic relationships, an ever-changing personality, all against the backdrop of rapid and inexplicable physical changes… It’s no mean feat.
Whether you’re 17 or 25, the feeling of being “behind” in life can be overwhelming. This feeling is amplified by social media; perfectly composed pictures of other people’s success and accomplishments, young faces of your generation, teeming with confidence, seemingly having figured it all out.
This can make anyone feel like you’re the only one in a state of disarray, causing you to question your very identity. If you have ever asked yourself this question, know that you’re not alone.
The Messy Middle: Developmental Challenges in Adolescence & Emerging Adulthood
Development challenges during adolescence and early adulthood traverse the biological; growth occurs emotionally, socially, and psychologically as well. During this time, youth are in the pursuit of various milestones:
- Exploring identity, values and career aspirations
- Claiming independence from family
- Building and maintaining relationships
- Learning to regulate emotions
- Making important life decisions
These are neither prescriptive nor occur in a linear progression. Indeed, the biggest myth of young adulthood is that there’s a collective timeline for success.
The truth is that some people hit certain markers earlier while others take longer to explore, reflect, and decide. This phase of life is fundamentally about answering the question,
“Who am I?”
It involves trying on different roles in careers, relationships, and outlooks, to see what fits. Self-doubt and anxiety are inherent in this process and should not be viewed as a sign of failure. In fact, they’re evidence that you’re engaging in the crucial, challenging work of identity formation.
Meet June, Age 19
June recently started university after completing Junior College and deferring an additional year to support her family after her father was diagnosed with cancer.
Upon starting her first semester, she noticed that many of her peers were already posting about their exciting university internships and musings on potential career paths. June felt a step behind. She had barely thought about what modules to take, let alone a possible career.
To make matters worse, she was much older than most of the students in her classes. She found herself struggling with anxiety, and often compared herself to friends who seemed more assured and accustomed to the scholastic lifestyle of university.
June felt ashamed for not knowing what she wanted. She worried that she was falling behind. The pressure to declare a major and immediately secure a high-paying internship (a frequent topic of stress among the students) felt overwhelming.
She admitted that her journey felt disjointed, especially when she compared her inner chaos and uncertainty to everyone else’s curated self-assurance.
Unbeknownst to June, this is a common struggle among many young people; many of you can probably relate to this experience. Many young people feel an immediate but often unrealistic need to succeed academically and professionally; otherwise, it’s seen as a sign of personal failure.
Transitions Trigger Stress, Anxiety, and Self-Doubt
Significant life transitions, such as starting JC, polytechnic or university, entering the workforce, or the beginning or ending of relationships, can evoke intense emotions, forcing us out of our comfort zones.
Even positive changes can feel destabilising and anxiety-provoking because they challenge our sense of self, causing us to question our identity.
Each transition feels like an exercise in relearning: new people, new information, new expectations and new routines. If you’re still figuring out who you are, this can feel as if you’re being thrown into the deep end without a life jacket.
Typical emotional responses include:
- Anxiety about making a choice you might regret
- Shame and guilt about perceived unmet personal and social expectations
- Social withdrawal or isolation, a sense of disconnection
- Struggles with self-doubts, especially about your own judgment
Supporting Healthy Development
There are no shortcuts when it comes to traversing transitions and developing identity, but there are ways that the journey may seem less daunting and help in building a stronger sense of self:
Guidance by a Mentor:
Linking up with trusted adults or peers who can offer guidance without emotional entanglement, share their own paths (which are often not linear either), and normalise uncertainty.
As a young person in a phase of life, it’s natural to turn to parents for such mentoring. Parents are understandably deeply concerned as they watch their child attempt to make sense of the onslaught of changes.
However, their own hopes, anxieties and protectiveness can cloud the space for their child to explore freely. Hence, it’s advisable to seek mentorship outside the immediate family.
Regular Self-Reflection:
Dedicating time to journaling is a beneficial tool to promote self-reflection. It can help explore who you are, what matters to you, and even instil self-compassion.
Journaling doesn’t involve writing long essays for hours on end; a single sentence, a short voice memo, or even a photo is valid.
Moreover, technology has revolutionised the way you can journal, negating the necessity for a pen and paper. Not only can you choose from a multitude of formats, but digital journalling can also ensure enhanced security via passcode protection, Touch/Face ID, and end-to-end encryption.
Goal-Setting:
“What should I do with my life?”
Tackling this question may seem like an insurmountable and overwhelming task. Instead, try breaking down such big decisions into small, achievable steps. Set goals for the month or the academic semester. Each small achievement builds confidence and momentum.
Welcoming Transitions
If you’re grappling to find your path, know this: you’re not alone, you’re not broken.
Feeling “behind” is a universal experience (and I daresay rite of passage) in adolescence and emerging adulthood. The struggle is as real as it’s disorientating, paradoxically productive, and looks different for everyone.
As the prominent writer and entertainer Alan Watts once said,
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
When the dance gets too dizzying, therapy can offer a space to choreograph your own routine, find your own footing not with pressure, but with purpose.
So don’t be afraid to explore who you are, to embrace the unknown, and advance into the future with curiosity and courage.
Written by Natasha, Principal Psychologist at Us Therapy